THE SORE FEET DIET

OR HOW TO LOSE ALL YOUR BODY'S INSULATION IMMEDIATELY BEFORE WINTER, THE BROOKLYN WAY

The Brooklyn Sore Feet Quick Weight Loss Guide for Autumn 2009 is not intended as serious medical advice. Accordingly, it should not be used in any attempt to diagnose, treat, or prevent a medical condition. That being said, it works.

1st meal (brunch)
Eat at as soon as you can after waking. Ideally this will be sometime between 11 AM and 3 PM. Wander around for 30 minutes calling people to see if they want to "do lunch." Never eat a substantial meal alone, ever. It does not particularly matter what you eat at this point in the day. Most varieties of noodles, sandwiches, and tacos are acceptable. The main point of this meal is to give you the energy to not immediately return to your bed, floor, or pile of bedding on the floor for a nap. Drinking alcohol at this meal is acceptable so long as you keep the previous guideline in mind. Contrary to popular belief, horchata, coffee, kombucha, water, various juices, and tea are all suitable alternatives to many of the more traditional breakfast beverages, such as the mimosa.

Interlude 1
This is an excellent time to do whatever it is you need to do. Wherever you are going, walk there. Walk ceaselessly. If your destination is too far to reach on foot in a reasonable amount of time, take the train. As a general rule, it's important to avoid any form of transportation that does not require you to scale or descend an excessive number of stairs at some point.

Make sure and get lost a few times per day, as this can greatly increase the number of miles you walk in a day. Your iPhone or any other electronic device with a rudimentary form of GPS can aid you to that end. Purposefully limiting your understanding of the subway system can also help.

NOTE: A good way to tell if you're sticking to the program is literally right beneath your feet. Are your socks and shoes in good repair? If you answered "yes," you may not be following the guidelines as well as you should. And your feet themselves, do they hurt? Even when soaked in warm water for 30 minutes? If you answered "no" to either, you may need to be paying more attention.


2nd meal (follow your nose)
This meal should be something you can eat while walking. Try to find something that can fit in one hand. Candy bars, churros, and nuts coated in some mysterious substance are all suitable options. Many other options are readily available from your favorite bodega. Coconut water or beer are common substitutes.

Interlude 2
See interlude 1. Continue to walk around. Finish up whatever you need to in preparation for the evening.


3rd meal (playing for keeps)
This meal ideally occurs between 7 and 9 PM. Its main purpose is meal is to tide you over for the next 12+ hours. If you do not have a crippling cable TV or internet addiction that keeps you at home, this can be especially important. Once again, what you actually eat is immaterial, as long as the portion is sensible. Many express a preference for carbohydrates, as they provide a lasting source of energy for whatever activities the night brings. Others consider this meal totally optional, preferring a more sizable two candy bar/two churros/two whatever snack to the smaller portion described previously.

AN EXTREMELY BRIEF NOTE ON GOING OUT: If you do choose to go out, try not to eat until at least 4 AM. As always, the most important thing here is to remain in a state of constant activity. If you can, try not to stay at any particular location more than two hours. Taking cars or other non-stairs centric forms of transportation is the most acceptable during this time, but do not to overindulge, as you can quickly become dependent on this luxury.

RESULTS
Marvel as your previously fashionably fitting clothes expand around you, even as your body core seems to recede into itself and you find your once familiar limbs replaced with wiry, translucent versions of themselves. To compensate, add layers of clothing until movement begins to become restricted. Noticeable results should appear within 3 weeks. Repeat these steps everyday until completely satisfied with your life.